hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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