cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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