When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize