If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm too high and old for this...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
