Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
