i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
