I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
