we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you have to choose: penises or morals?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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