People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
