The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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