the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
where are you?
Hypothermia
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
