Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
