ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We don't watch enough power rangers
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
