Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
