Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
did i just pee glitter
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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