maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
