doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
