Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
