i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
