You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
