Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
