y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
