I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
All the doctor said was why
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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