"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
