I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize