i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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