You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
