He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm just crazy horny about you
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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