I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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