This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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