My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
