Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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