i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
