There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
