i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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