Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
