You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
