I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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