The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
