I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
