I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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