the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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