Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
