Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I don't deserve a penis
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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