closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
