He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Damn victory sex feels great
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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