I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
