Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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