I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
