So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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