you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
