my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Randomize
