I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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