hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
