well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
