Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
