He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
