Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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