I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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