Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
