I can tuck mytits in my pants
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
