Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
