So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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