I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
