Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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