I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
