I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
