I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize