the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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