The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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